When my brother’s wrist broke, he looked perfectly fine.
None of us knew it was broken. He played like normal. But he reacted to the slightest jostle. A bump against the counter or an unintentional shove while roughhousing brought an abrupt flood of tears and disproportionate anger. Two weeks later, an x-ray showed the fracture.
When my heart breaks, I look perfectly fine.
Nobody knows I’m broken. I live like normal—I smile, I laugh, I sing. But I react to the slightest jostle. My tears flood on the inside, and my manners ice over to hide the disproportionate rage at whoever inadvertently bumped my wound.
The sign-in sheet is clearly marked: Name. Class designation. Hometown. Major.
Wait. Go back.
My heart skids to a thudding, trembling stop. I freeze, pencil wavering above the page, forcing slow breaths as black spots swirl before my eyes.
I was born in Michigan’s golden autumn. I lived in four states by the time I was two and spent most of elementary school drenched by Panama’s tropical rainstorms. In junior high, we moved to wide deserts beneath Arizona’s vivid sunsets. After I left for university, my parents moved again.
A word that evokes warm memories and loyalty in others stirs in me only agonised confusion. Usually context gives me the answer. Like a clever student with an unexpected exam, I gauge the circumstances, read between the lines, and choose a response:
“My parents live in Arizona.”
“I was raised in Panama.”
“I was born in Michigan.”
I can’t guess this one. Panic tastes like acid in my throat.
The girl behind me offers some help: “Where do you live?”
Wherever my pillow is. Right now—my dorm.
My face burns as I scribble the first address that comes to mind and rush away, that break inside me throbbing.
“Time heals all wounds.”
No. Time acclimates us to pain. Time buries scars under layers of new memories. But deep wounds never really close up.
They put a cast on my brother’s wrist. It healed. Now you’d never know it was broken.
There is no cast for my heart.
But maybe, in a tiny, infinitely significant way, those golden autumn leaves balance out the bleeding inside me. The thundering tropical rains and sunset lightning storms over desert mountains—maybe, inexplicably, impossibly, they soothe the ache.